A Cynical Look On "Tiger Woods Only Joking"

Bellowing laughter erupted from the luxurious Florida home of Tiger Woods.

The famous golf professional seemed very pleased, gleefully announcing "They fell for it! They all fell for it!"Tiger's practical joke included leaking a story about an "affair" he was having, hitting a tree in his SUV, and having his wife break the windows of said SUV. It was a brilliant setup, upon further examination. The world's most boring icon, Tiger Woods, having an affair? Obviously ridiculous, but Tiger managed to prank the entire world. Pranksters everywhere, take note. This man has bested you.

"This will screw them all up, they'll be talking about it for weeks! It will be just like that time when Britney Spears was bald," he went on to say.

In an exclusive interview, Woods also explained that the real reason he wasn't attending his own tournament was so he could prank it.

Tiger takes golf in a whole new direction as he announces his plans for what he calls practical golf, "Practical jokes are much more fun than golf, so why not combine the two make golf a little more fun?"

Tiger Woods has all sorts of things planned for the competitors, "Rattlesnakes in the hole, an annoying guy that blows an air horn every time you're about to make a stroke, special tee off locations in quicksand, things like that."

I suppose we can all look forward to seeing more of those golf-ball-in-the-nuts-shots we like so much.



Zoom in to continue story.
Disclaimer: These events did not actually occur.

A Cynical Look On The Great Kitten Warz.

The Kitten Warz, they have begun.
Apparently the main cause of this war is over several ounces of the rare catnip resource.
This is perhaps the one thing the kittens can agree on.

"dis happund cuz i jus rweally need dat catnip," says fuzzlewazum, Kitten Warz veteran and catnip enthusiast.

According to furball the other kittens aren't very nice at all, "i dun liek thos giez, dey jus mean. and i jus rweally need dat catnip."

"Ceiling cat sed i get sevuntey-too tinz ove cat nip wen i go boom," said fireball, the until-just-recently living kamikaze kitten.

It looks like these battles will not die down any time soon. Catnip is really great after all. It's pretty much the best thing to happen ever. You better stay away from mine!

Yes catnip, we all jus rweally need it.

A Cynical Look On The Growing Number of Tiger Penguin Attacks

Tiger Penguins
Perhaps one of the most frightening creatures to grace the islands south of Antarctica.

And they appear to be becoming more aggressive.
Nine tiger penguin attacks have been reported this year alone, up from a reported two a year earlier.

Local occupants are horrified by the Tiger Penguins' numerous vicious attacks.

"They can smell fear," said Roberta Wellington, one of the many islanders terrorized by the tiger penguins. "Even after they had taken my husband's left arm, they returned to take his right. Now he just has stumps."

"I suppose they can smell arms too," Roberta added, a look of horror coming across her face as her eyes turned to her own arms.

Reports indicate that the greatest number of tiger penguins were sighted just slightly south of the earth's southern pole.

"We go there all the time," said Ted Schwarz, whose friend was viciously mauled by a Tiger Penguin. "It's where we get our feel good happy dust."

"Someone needs to put a stop to it, for my friend's sake."

A Cynical Look On Getting Shot

A new study by the National Happiness Coalition of America has come out with new results that allege being shot in the foot may not be good for happiness.

"In a group of random study participants found on the streets of San Fransisco, 48 out of 50 subjects reported a decrease in happiness shortly after having their foot shot" reported head scientist Dr. Jhon Saadist.

A .32 Caliber Pistol was used for administration of the gunshot.

Evidently two of the subject's opinions could not actually be included among the negative results because after they begun spouting off curse words, the subjects went unconscious before they could express unhappiness. Dr. Saadist explained that a string of curse words is often an expression of great joy.

Unfortunately the NHC did not include a control group, or a group of people that were not shot in the foot during the study process, so the results are not valid.
Had the study been more complete however, the NHC estimates being shot in the foot may decrease happiness by up to 18%.
Until happiness has been proven to be affected negatively by being shot however, Physicians may still administer "shots" as a stress reduction treatment.

A Cynical Look On Chain Posts

While perusing Facebook, I happen across groups and walls that have given me an unfortunate, if not unexpected, revelation. The average internet user is a moron. While I could rant about how people are stupid for ages, instead I'll toss out some examples and analyze them. This will start with the most common element of horrible stupidity, the chain letter post.
The chain letter post, reviled by everyone with a working prefrontal lobe, is disgustingly common. I'll now analyze two of them. For the love of all that isn't terrible, please do not take these chain posts seriously. I beg of you, do not repost these abominations without adding something resembling analysis of the absurdity of them. If you see chain posts anywhere, please direct the poster to this article. Perhaps with some knowledge these forces of evil can be conquered.

Warning: Chain Posts Beyond This Point, Skip to the word "Banana" to avoid.

PLEASE DONT READ THIS. YOU WILL BE KISSED ON THE NEAREST POSSIBLE FRIDAY BY THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE. TOMMOROW WILL BE THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE. HOWEVER IF YOU DONT POST THIS COMMENT TO AT LEST FIVE QUIZZES YOU WILL DIE IN 2 DAYS. NOW UV STARTED READIN THIS DONT STOP THIS IS SO SCARY.xSEND THIS TO FIVE QUIZZES IN 143 MINUTES WHEN UR DONE PRESS F6 AND UR CRUSHES NAME WILL APPEAR IN BIG LETTERS ON THE SCREEN. THIS IS SO SCARY COZ IT ACTUALLY WORKS

Now we'll analyze this post. The first thing a normal person will notice is that the entire post is in capital letters, a sure sign of a degenerate mind. Next, the first sentence says to not read. A second warning flag for anyone who doesn't skip posts written in all capitals because degenerate minds have nothing important to say. After ignoring this warning, we arrive at being kissed on Friday by the love of your life. That doesn't sound too bad. Of course, then there's the point where it warns if the post isn't reposted the reader will die in two days. That's nice and all, but what happens if Friday is more than two days away? Is the love of your life going to kiss your corpse? Does death void the contract? If not, should it bother you that the love of your life is a necrophile according to the chain letter? And wouldn't that make them the love of your death? Thus rendering the chain letter wrong? Next is the point where the letter "u" is substituted for the word "you," something acceptable if you are in a hurry on the internet. However, when someone has had time to write something, arbitrary word shortening is another sure sign of a degenerate mind. Another warning sign for even the dimmest bulbs to seek shelter outside of the overwhelming stench of stupidity emitted from a chain post. Next comes the arbitrary number and time limit, followed by bait. The point where this claims that if one presses F6 after following all the instructions, the person you have a crush on's name will appear in big letters on your screen is, of course, the point where this post is claiming that your computer can read your mind. If my computer can read my mind, I have much more to be scared of than a chain letter working.

"Banana"
The above paragraph is safe to read, and should make some semblance of sense even to those of you who would not read the chain letter.

Second Chain Letter Starts Here. Once more, "Banana" will get you safely past.

TRY THIS.
1. Say ur name 10x
2. Say ur mom's name 5x
3. Say ur crushes name 3x
4. then paste this to 4 other quizs, if you do this your crush will kiss you on the nearest friday! But if you read this and did not paste this, then you will have very bad luck

Once more, it starts with all capitals, a sign that has already been touched upon. Next comes a number, something that seems safe. Unfortunately, following the number is poor grammar, another thing that I've already touched upon. The creator of this obviously couldn't be bothered to run spellcheck either, for it not only misspells "quizzes," but also forgets to capitalize "Friday."
The content, however, is quite different. Now you're being instructed to repeat things for some reason, followed by a plea for reposting, a promise of a kiss, and then a threat of bad luck, if you have not already reposted it. Now that the content has been covered, a few hypothetical scenarios should be as well. If a child is an orphan and reads this, are they doomed to bad luck? What happens if you have no crush? If you have had your name changed, or go by a nickname, what name should you use? Also, what exactly is bad luck? If I'm deathly afraid of becoming rich, will I find a winning lotto ticket?

"Banana" Once more, the above paragraph is safe to read for those of you who for some reason are unable or unwilling to read chain posts.

As a whole, chain posts offer comedic value to those of us who don't take them seriously. However, as shown by the abundance of these things, some people do take them seriously. How so much can be attributed to the powers of a chain letter I will never understand. For instance, in the one where the computer somehow is able to read your mind, the chain letter has mystically granted it this ability. How and for what purpose was my computer designed to be able to read my mind? Unfortunately, these things have become far too common, and as such, are far too annoying to be mildly tolerated any more.

Chain posts in the comments will be deleted.